Which you stays
Your circled yous. Sort them into two piles: you as the cause of the problem, and you as the person who might fix it.
The second pile stays. Removing those makes a letter cold, not polite.
Six sentences containing you. Match each to whether it should be rewritten or left alone.
A finished email
Subject: Order 44-2071 — refund not received after six weeks · 221 words
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing about order 44-2071, placed on 3 February and delivered on 11 February. The order was for a single tablet, in black, at £219. It was paid for by card ending 4417.
The item arrived with the screen cracked and the box unsealed. I reported this the same day through the online form and was sent a returns label. It was collected on 15 February by your courier, and I have the collection receipt.
Since then I have emailed twice, on 2 and 19 March, and have had no reply beyond an automatic acknowledgement. On the second call I was passed to three different departments and given a different answer each time. The returns portal still shows the item as "in transit", six weeks after collection.
Under the returns policy published on your site, a refund is due within thirty days of collection. I would be grateful if you could either arrange the refund of £219 or tell me why it is not due.
I appreciate that this is probably not something you can authorise yourself. If that is the case, I would be grateful if you could pass this on and let me know who is dealing with it.
I have attached the collection receipt and both emails. A reply within fourteen days would be very much appreciated.
Yours faithfully,
Four questions about the construction of the email.
1. The word you appears four times. What do all four have in common?
2. Count the checkable facts: dates, numbers, references. Roughly how many?
3. I appreciate that this is probably not something you can authorise yourself. Why include that?
4. Where is the firmness in this email?
Six paragraphs, five moves
The shape
| Paragraph | Move | Words |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Identify: what, when, reference, amount | 35–45 |
| 2 | The facts, in the passive, and what you did immediately | 40–50 |
| 3 | What you have done since, with dates and outcomes | 45–55 |
| 4 | The basis and the ask, with an exact figure | 35–45 |
| 5 | Acknowledge the reader’s limits and offer a next step | 35–45 |
| 6 | Attachments and a deadline, politely | 20–30 |
Six sentences from a different complaint, out of order. Put them into the five-move shape.
- I understand the hotel was full and that this may not be something the front desk can decide.
- The room provided was a single without a window rather than the twin that was confirmed by email.
- I have attached the booking confirmation. A reply within fourteen days would be appreciated.
- I am writing about booking 8KP2QM for the night of 14 March, made on 3 January.
- I would be grateful if you could refund the €62 difference in rate to the card used.
- I raised this at reception on the night and again by email on 16 March, and have had no reply.
Two rules the model obeys.
Not one adjective of complaint. No unacceptable, no appalling, no disgusted. Every place those words would go is occupied by a number instead, and a number cannot be argued with.
Every request uses the same two forms: I would be grateful if you could… and would be appreciated. In a formal letter you do not need eight levels. You need one, used consistently.
Before you write it
Two to seven words per gap, one per move. Keep accusations out.
invoice 2291, issued on 4 May for £340. The work described on it — the second visit was cancelled by the engineer and has not been rearranged. the office on 9 and 21 May and left messages on both occasions. either reissue the invoice for the work actually done, or arrange the second visit before the end of the month. a reply within ten working days.
Six sentences from first drafts. Fix each now.
1. Your service has been absolutely appalling throughout.
2. You must refund me immediately.
3. I am writing for complain about my order.
4. You never answered any of my emails.
5. I want that you cancel the contract.
6. I don’t suppose you could possibly maybe look into this at all?
Write it
Task card · Writing · Individual · 16 minutes
Your real complaint, as an email that would actually be sent. This is the piece that goes into your portfolio.
Six paragraphs, about 220 words, with a subject line.
- A subject line that names the thing and the problem in under ten words.
- Paragraph 1: what, when, reference, amount.
- Paragraph 2: the facts, in the passive, plus what you did immediately.
- Paragraph 3: what you have done since, with dates.
- Paragraph 4: the basis and the exact ask.
- Paragraph 5: acknowledge their limits and offer a next step. Paragraph 6: attachments and a deadline.
- No adjective of complaint anywhere. Write the word count at the bottom.
Write straight through, then hunt. Twelve minutes writing, four minutes going through for two things only: every you that is an accusation, and every adjective that is doing the job a number should do.
Task card · Audit · Pairs · 7 minutes
Swap. You are the person at the company who has to answer this.
Hand back a marked page and one spoken sentence: what you would do first if this landed in your inbox.
- Circle every you and mark it A for accusation or H for helper.
- Underline every checkable fact. Count them and write the number at the top.
- Box any adjective of complaint. Suggest a number that would do the job better.
- Check the ask: is there an exact figure, a basis, and a date? Mark any that is missing.
What the drafts did
Five sentences from drafts. Fix each, then check your own page.
1. You have completely ignored me for six weeks.
2. This situation is totally unacceptable.
3. I want compensation.
4. Please answer me as soon as possible.
5. Your staff member told me a lie.
What goes home
Two questions about your own draft.
1. Your auditor marked six yous as accusations. What happens when the recipient reads them?
2. Where does firmness live in a complaint?
Before next lesson. Rewrite it once from the marked page and bring the clean version on paper.
Next lesson you hand it in, play four counters in sequence, and record the one that goes into your portfolio.